


Detention

by unseenbox



Series: Hogwarts Community Radio [4]
Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Alternate Universe - Harry Potter Setting, Background Slash, Crossover, Fake Episode, Gen, Typical Night Vale Weirdness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-21
Updated: 2013-10-21
Packaged: 2017-12-30 02:45:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1013129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unseenbox/pseuds/unseenbox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A hat is left behind; a Forbidden Forest is explored; a detention is served.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Detention

We speak Modified Latin, and we’re not afraid to use it. Welcome to Hogwarts.

Happy Day After Halloween, listeners! Our Caretaker Filch is still cleaning up some of the mess left behind from the feast last night, and I’m sure all the House Elves would appreciate a nice gift to thank them for all their help. Remember not to leave out clothing, though, or the consequences could be dire. Or, at least, _very_ awkward in the morning, and we don’t want that, do we? Small coins or sweets are preferred, and can be left in windowsills, dresser drawers, or even the bottoms of your shoes. A reminder that the third floor corridor outside the trophy room is still closed in light of yesterday’s prank, which filled all the cups with pumpkin pudding.

You might remember a few weeks ago, when our Assistant Dana -- or her sister, Donna -- attempted to break into High Inquisitor Umbridge’s office. Some students even contacted us, asking how she could possibly disappear, given that apparating is impossible on Hogwarts grounds. Well, as it turns out, apparation is no match for the skill of… making a lot of smoke and then running as fast as possible in the other direction. But! Dana -- or her sister -- has received a lot of detentions for her efforts -- all of them from her Head of House, who claimed that Educational Decree Twenty-Five hadn’t been passed at the time of the alleged crime. Anyway, well, I asked her if she wouldn’t mind reporting on what she saw in the Forbidden Forest, if she ended up serving a detention there, and she said yes! Or no. I always get those mixed up, but! Whatever the case, I’m _very_ sure we’ll be able to bring you an _exclusive_ report on the Forbidden Forest and the creatures that live there _very_ soon!

But first! Eleanor Travers, a ghost who haunts the fifth floor landing of the staircase, claims that her hat is missing after last night’s ghostly Halloween party. The hat is large, feathered, and cannot be touched or felt by human hands. Slightly embarrassed, she grumbled, “I only put it down a moment, I swear. Forget me own head next,” which drew a loud, echoing guffaw from Sir Patrick Delaney-Podmore. Any ghosts who know the whereabouts of Eleanor’s hat are encouraged to contact her as soon as possible, or else she’ll “tell the entire school what happened that May Day almost twenty years ago, _Chad_. You know, with the mint juleps? Yes. **That**.” So far, no one has responded to Eleanor’s request, but I’m positive she’ll get some takers soon!

Leanne Hart, editor of the Junior Prophet Press, announced today that the paper will now be delivered to every student on the campus, regardless if they have an actual subscription, or if they even have an owl of their own. She says she wouldn’t let a matter of “picking a useless cat or toad stand in the way of journalism,” so the usual school provided owls have been pressed into service. The subscription fee for the Junior Prophet Press is now five knuts, a fee which will be automatically -- and retroactively -- applied to anyone who receives the paper. If a person is lacking in funds, Leanne advises them to just borrow the money from their neighbor, as the owls _will not_ fly away until the paper is delivered. That is, unless Professor Grubby-Plank intervenes.

Listeners, we’ve just received our first report from Assistant Dana! She says that their task during this detention is to gather fluxweed from the forest, as a favor to Professor Snape. Marcus Vansten is also participating in this detention, although he’s been grumbling about not being able to bribe some of his housemates into taking his place the entire time thus far. He keeps brushing his hand against the trees and grimacing, flicking off specks of dirt and plant material from his fingernails immediately afterward. Dana goes on to say that the forest is currently free of any werewolves that could be stalking around, given the full moon, although they did hear some howling in the distance earlier, which John Peters -- you know, the groundskeeper? -- won’t let them actually investigate.

She says the ground is soft and loamy, though fog pools at the bases of trees and other plants located in the forest. Some trees have lost their leaves, while most remain reassuringly springy and covered with needles. Sometimes it sounds as if the trees are whispering in sharp, whistling voices. Odd pathways branch off in all directions, dry and caked with mud, marked with hooves that she’s sure belong to centaurs, or maybe unicorns -- it’s a little hard to tell in this lighting. Spiders keep marching along some of the pathways, ranging in size from the tiniest pinpricks to those huge, ugly ones that appear on your back when you’re just about to go to sleep.

I’m sure we’ve all lost quills before. It happens, right? You turn around in the Great Hall to chat with your friends, and the next thing you know, there’s an empty space where your quill once sat. Or you put it in the pocket of your robe, dash off to class, and as soon as you cross the doorway into the Potions dungeon, you realize the quill must’ve slipped out somewhere along the way, and Professor Snape finds a way to dock points from Gryffindor for it. 

Or maybe you didn’t even look away at all. It was right there, just a moment ago, and in the blink of an eye between that moment and this one, it collapsed into nothingness. Furthermore, why do these missing quills never appear again? I mean, where can they possibly go? They _definitely_ didn’t grow wings and fly, unless you’ve had a very interesting lesson that day. Now, while it is possible we’ve all just misplaced our things, or just need to look more carefully for them in the future, I believe there’s a much more likely scenario: vanishing spells. Lots of them. It only takes one word, and a fourth year or higher student, but how else can these quills disappear so easily? 

This has been your OWLs fun fact study corner! This week’s tip was for, of course, Transfiguration: the science of turning things into other things! How can you possibly go wrong?

The High Inquisitor’s office filed a memo this morning, reminding us here at Hogwarts Community Radio of some newly banned topics. These topics are not meant to be repeated or discussed on air. Some of these banned topics now include: You Know Who, the Ministry of Magic, various pro-dark creature statements, creatures that don’t exist, and pens. We’re not really clear on _why_ pens are banned, but I’m sure our High Inquisitor has a very, very good reason for it! Of course, I’m _also_ not entirely sure if reporting _on_ these bans counts as...well, as breaking the bans. It’s not really very clear.  
So! If everyone could kindly forget everything I just said? That’d be great! 

Oh! Uh... Another report just came in from Dana. And…. First, she says that they’ve gathered four fluxweeds so far, and only need to find one more for their detention to be finished. Even Marcus Vansten helped find one of them, although he refused to touch it barehanded. She also tells us that there’s no spiders this way at all. Besides some very tiny ones, anyway, which don’t really count. Lately, It’s been very quiet along the path. Even the wolves aren’t howling the way they usually do. She wonders if someone’s cast some sort of muffling spell around here, and she almost can’t hear her own footsteps in the forest… The fog’s much thinner now, too. She says that if there’s trouble, she’s supposed to cast red sparks from her wand, and that everything’s going fine so far, so I shouldn’t worry! 

Well! If Dana says so, how can I argue? Let’s take you now to some words from our sponsors, while I stay here, resolutely _not_ worrying. 

They come in all shapes and sizes. Big ones. Small ones. Some as big as your head. This fact is no coincidence. No coincidence _at all_. Sometimes, if you are not careful, they may even take a shine to you. You’ll claim it was only an accident, but, oh, they know better. They always do. Experience is funny that way. Well. Funny for them. Not so much for you. In fact, you may soon find a great deal of things not as funny as you thought they were. Some people call this growing up, but, oh, you know better. You always do. And you’ll think to yourself, doesn’t this sentence sound familiar? And, well, of course it does. And maybe the sentence will sound funny the first time it sounds familiar, but it won’t for long. Not the second, and definitely not the third. That’s when you start to wonder, if it’s only the sentence repeating or is it… you.

This message brought to you by Potage’s Cauldron Shop. 

On a more minor note, Hogwarts Community Radio is still looking for someone to fill in for our evening news slot, following the resignation of Lee Jordan, who previously held the post. Candidates should submit a half sheet of parchment explaining why they’d like the position, as well as any previous experience that would help. Assistants not currently in the Hospital Wing are given preferred status. Despite a lot of _extremely_ justified complaints, I regret to inform you that our morning news hour remains unchanged. It’s been rumored that some bootleg copies of Lee Jordan’s now fairly infamous final broadcast are floating around the school. Unfortunately, all official copies of the broadcast have either been heavily edited or destroyed, on orders from High Inquisitor Umbridge. If you still have a personal copy, or else received one from anonymous, illicit sources, please turn them in immediately! 

Michael Sandero, captain of the Hufflepuff Quidditch team, is still in the hospital wing, following an attempt at sabotage from some sixth year Slytherins. They claimed they only meant to cast a bubblehead charm on him, but their wands misfired in the rain, and, to make a long story very short, caused Michael Sandero has grown a second head. The second head gave an interview earlier in the afternoon, and by all accounts, seems to be much more sociable than his original head. Michael is still in the Hospital Wing awaiting healing services and a head reduction, although the question remains as to which head he’s decided to keep.

I’ve just been handed another report from Dana. As a minor aside, I’d just like to thank her owl for being so quick with her deliveries this evening. There’s no way we could be reporting on all this half as well without their help! But…. it seems like things haven’t gone as well as we’d hoped…. She says that they found the fifth fluxweed plant, growing near a puddle of stagnant water. Just as they started to pick it, a brilliant white light flashed from elsewhere in the forest, slightly to the east of where they sat. They shielded their eyes, and when the light finally faded, the path marking the way out of the forest completely vanished. Dana set up some red sparks from her wand, and she’s sure she knows the way out of here, but it’s going to take her a little while to find the right path. She asks that if anyone could follow her owl as it flies back to her, and tell her the directions it takes, she’d really appreciate it. It’s getting very late, and the howls are coming back….

And now, [the Weather.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=okVZ-Rq_p1E)

Listeners, we just got some truly wonderful news! Dana’s returned from the Forbidden Forest! Oh, and, uh, Marcus Vansten and John Peters -- you know, the groundskeeper?-- are fine, too, but really, Dana’s the top story here, as I’m sure you’d all agree! She says that the mysterious light was most likely cast by some long abandoned car, which evidence suggests might be capable of flight. As for the lost pathways, she’s pretty sure it’s just a matter of getting turned around from the lights, or maybe even those invisible thestrals lurking about. She says she’s learned a lot about the Forbidden Forest from her detention, and wonders what more she could find out, if she’s given more opportunities. Oh! She also took this picture of her owl when it was flying around, showing her the way home, and oh my god I wish I could show you all over the air, because it’s seriously just about the absolute cutest thing I’ve seen in my entire life!! Its cute little tufted feathers!

The things we’ve lost usually come back to us in time. And it’s what we’ve learned and seen and grown to understand while they were gone that shows how much they truly mattered to us in the first place. It’s the act of missing something, or someone, or some time, or some place, that gives those things we’ve left behind, or perhaps let fall behind our desks when we weren’t looking, value. So, be thankful for the things you have, the things you don’t, and the things you never will, because all of these things spill out into the endless, pressing void that surrounds us, that we can all too quickly become lost in ourselves.

Stay tuned next for: notes written in the margins of library textbooks, with musical accompaniment. 

Good night, Hogwarts. Good night.

**Author's Note:**

> I did some tweaks to Cecil's voice in light of Episode 33! Nothing major, just if I'm doing this right, he should sound a bit younger/less polished than he did before!


End file.
